I mentioned in my last post about revirginization that I was shocked by a certain discussion that my Divorce Care class had around the topic of sexuality. The group met over 12 sessions, and for the session on “what to do about sex while separated or in the midst of divorce,” our usual mixed group of men and women ranging in ages of early 30s to 60s was altered. Like grade school kids, we were divided—ladies in one room with a female leader and men in another room with a male leader—so that we could address the topic more openly and without fear of expression in front of the opposite gender.
This session we started right in on the video. I thought maybe it was to break the ice or something. Staring at a glowing screen watching other people talk about sex would give us permission to talk about it with each other, right? As I watched, my mind was actively wondering what discussion time would be like. I imagined long awkward silences and shy smiles as we all avoided eye contact. I was so very wrong.
Some of our meetings understandably were hard. Many of us choked back tears on more than one occasion as we shared our failed relationship stories that brought us to Divorce Care. But all my assumptions about sex being a taboo topic at church were swept rapidly away in that particular hour. In fact, when our leader opened up the floor for dialogue, it was like something had been unleashed.
Some context: I was one of the youngest people in the room in my 30s at the time. The church and the program of Divorce Care were both decidedly conservative in nature. So nothing could have prepared me for the exuberant waterfall of information that was about to fly from the women in that room, some of who were close to double my age.
Discussion time started, and a common theme of how bad these women had it in their married sex lives rose to the surface quickly with many jumping in rather freely and offering details. One lady talked very openly about how just after her divorce, she met a much younger man and “an adult vacation” with him for two full days. Everyone seemed to be on the same page as the testimonials rolled out, one after another, and I could almost hear the “amens” as I saw pursed lips and nodding heads in agreement and recognition.
I was baffled into silence. I don’t have any trouble chiming in or speaking my mind in most situations, but I was shocked by what I was hearing. Being one of the two youngest people in the room, it felt like I was with my mom and all her friends and listening to their worst bedroom secrets. These were women sporting cat sweatshirts and carrying large Bibles, and they were tripping my head out with the things they were saying about very private matters.
The din was dying down a bit as the session was coming to a close. In the semi-quiet a crowning statement made from one of the saucier ladies in the estro-circle, “I tell you what. I am not having a bad sex life if I get married again. I may just have to take him for a test drive. You know what I’m saying?”
Everyone else: resounding agreement.
Me: jaw on floor.
Kim Messer 