When I was going through divorce, this admittedly awkward word “revirgin” came up at one of my Divorce Care meetings. Divorce Care is a wonderful program to help those going through separation and divorce, and it was particularly helpful for Emma and I because there was a special session for kids that met at the same time the adults did.
The sessions provided both practical and emotional support as we addressed things like single parenting, finances, grief, and faith. Materials included a workbook with homework, videos with divorcees, pastors, and counselors providing testimonials and advice, and discussion led by a leader from our church. One of the meetings was focused on the hot topic of sexuality.
Ultimate Virgin: Mary depicted in a Greek mosaic from Israel
That week’s video mentioned that those who go through divorce could experience a revirginization, or a time where God renews and restores the sexual part of our life. I really didn’t know what to make of the term “revirgin.” And the discussion that ensued after the video was no less than shocking to me. (That story is for another blog.)
Interestingly enough, there is also surgical revirginization for women. I will not go into the details here. Basically, like a boob job, you can get a lady part job that makes you a faux virgin. A bit weird, but it’s yet another thing one can Google, so there you go.
Until the last two or three years, I guess I have been a bit ambivalent about sexuality. My fresh awakening has come through my boy crazy teenage daughter. But for myself, I also have this new respect and perspective for virgins and “revirgins.”
Part of that respect is from reading Lauren Winner’s book Real Sex. I resonate with the intelligent approach she takes in the book. It’s not filled with Christian idealism as a way of looking at the issue. She’s open and honest about the struggles she has had with sex and purity, and as an Episopal priest, she asks some good questions about how the church is handling the subject.
Looking back to my married life, I know that did not understand the value of sex. Learning that has been eye opening, and these days I talk about it with my married and single friends quite openly. Cultural pressures make it hard to have a healthy view of sexuality, perhaps especially as a single person. But I don’t think enough weight and time is spent on the fact that an unhealthy sex life in marriage erodes many relationships to the point of death.
Virginity and certainly being a revirgin is a state of mind and perspective. I read a great article by Fr. Ronald Rolheiser that says, “…virginity is living in such a way that there are certain areas of our personality and life which are revered and sacred and which are then shared only within a context which fully respects that sacredness.”
I think many of us long for that sacredness. After trying to do it our way or after succumbing to the way of the world and throwing away some of the best parts of ourselves, we eventually (though many years and mistakes may pass) long for something different.
Rolheiser deepens the thought: “To be a virgin is to live in tension, unfulfilled, longing, waiting for a time in the future when one will be fulfilled.” And that’s not something to just be applied to sexuality, but all of life.
Maybe it’s because as a writer I’m a lover of story, but that hopeful tension of expectancy is awesome. I lost sight of it for a while as I tried to soothe my grief with stupid impatience and cheap fun, but I’m glad to say that that expectancy is back in my life.
We may have been conditioned by the instant gratification and relativism surrounding us, but I’ve come to realize we all have a chance at renewing the sacred in our lives and becoming “revirgins” again. And we don’t even need surgery.
Kim Messer 