Island Couples

I’m taking a bit of a risk with this post. I don’t typically dish out a lot of relationship advice, but here’s something I’ve been chewing on lately: Island Couples.

Island of boring

I regularly have to practice the discipline of getting my head out of my own sand to see what is going on around me. Many of us live in isolated, compartmentalized worlds. It’s hard not too. I guess it should be no surprise then that island couples exist. You know the ones–pairs of people creating a “perfect” world for themselves as if they live on a deserted island.

I know how comfortable it can be to spend 99% of your time with that special someone. Chemistry is a powerful force. We all know couples that have tried to live solely on the high of emotions and sex, never creating a depth to their union. In the beginning it can feel so right and good to do that, and hey, a honeymoon phase is natural, but one that lasts indefinitely probably isn’t.

Please understand. I’m not attacking healthy power couples or couples made up of two extreme introverts. That is not the point here. But I have to confess that talk about being completed by another person or worse–teaching young people about finding “the one”–makes me a little crazy.

I know. This a blog written by a divorced 40-something. True. But, I have learned a few things along the way, and as I get closer to merging my life with someone these days, writing this is an important reminder even for me.

So if you really love the person next to you, and you are hoping for a long shelf life in your relationship, just consider this a warning flare.

He cannot be and she cannot be your all and all. Don’t kid yourself and think that you have a healthy relationship when the two of you no longer (or rarely) hang out with your friends individually. If you haven’t called your best friend (your new romantic partner doesn’t count) in weeks or months, that should be a sign to you. If you have decided that you really don’t need to see family that often even though they were a big part of your normal life before you started this relationship, pay attention.

And if you’re one of those couples that single people can’t stand to be around, that should be a sign too. It might take a little bit of work and acute awareness on your part, but you shouldn’t be ostracizing your other friends who haven’t found a special someone. If any of this feels a bit too familiar, it may be time to get off the island.

There is a reason why community is important. That phrase, “it takes a village,” is not just for raising children. It’s for raising a good, healthy, long-term relationship as well.

When I was young and married, one my big failures centered around a lack of intimate community. We didn’t have community close enough to us. When we went through the hard stuff, we kept it to ourselves because we were too embarrassed to let the world know that things weren’t going perfectly. We didn’t turn to other couples or our single friends when we needed them the most, and we certainly did not turn to family or our church.

It is one of my only regrets about the way I handled the dissolution of my marriage. I really wish I had let people be closer to us so they could help us through. I know it may have all ended up the same way, but I have to believe we would have felt more supported and that we might have learned some marital lessons faster if we had only stopped living in isolation.

Here are the things: You will get sick of her crap. You will be disgusted by one of his habits. You will eventually (believe it or not) want some time with someone else. And that’s okay. In fact, it’s really good. Find the people that support you and love you both as a couple and as individuals. Lose the negative people in your life and find some new friends and new couples to hang out with if you need to, but don’t be an island.

When I think of islands, I think of warm tropical breezes, happy little umbrella drinks, good food, and great friends–the kind you like to travel around the world with. And the bonus? Well, the bonus is that awesome someone is there to be a part of the scene, an addition to the friendly, supportive community that is all around you.

Get Naked

Tomorrow I have to get naked. I have to bear all to my dermatologist. Again. On August 15, 2014, I walked into my dermatologist to hear the news that my ugly mole was one of two things. Of the two possibilities, melanoma was the only recognizable word I heard.

A couple of days later I got calls on my cell phone and my work phone. Messages had been left on both. I only needed to listen to the tone of one of them to know what I would hear when I called back. My biopsy results confirmed I had melanoma.

I had been taught for years to check my breasts regularly for lumps and inconsistencies, but no one ever told me to regularly check my skin. I only noticed the changes in the mole on my leg because it was on the front of my body. I didn’t remember it always being there, and as a regular runner with sun exposed legs, I eventually was curious about having it checked.

Love the Melanoma Research Foundation!

Back in 2013 my regular physician didn’t think it was anything to worry about at my annual physical. One year later, he wanted me to see a dermatologist. I put the appointment off until a work and family trip to Scotland and England was over. Finally honoring the appointment and within days of my daughter starting high school, I found out I had cancer.

No one wants to hear the “C” word. Everyone who has wonders about everything all at once. Is it localized, or has it spread? What stage is it in? Will it kill me?

It is strange looking back on my year since that diagnosis, surgery and the declaration a few weeks later that I was cancer free. In many ways that time and the strangeness of it all still feels very new; it is not a distant memory for me yet. Everyone else may have moved on, but with this new appointment and the regular check-ups, I’ve had a consistent reminder of my cancer.

There are things that changed me and my world a year ago. I was reminded of the importance of taking care of myself. Sometimes that is a skill we have to relearn. I know a lot of people that face extreme guilt over taking “time away from family” to exercise or other life-giving good habits, but we all have a lot to live for and health is often taken for granted. You are important!

My relationships changed. With some people there was a sudden distance. I don’t mean to be critical, but some friends checked on my progress basically through Facebook and nothing else. This made me think about all of the times that I click “Like” on a prayer request or a need instead of picking up the phone or driving across town to be present.

My spiritual life changed. I was aware of my need to be cared for in community, and I found out what that meant. That reality in turn affected some life decisions going forward about the type of spiritual community I want to serve and be a part of on a regular basis.

I learned once again about the long arch of grief and how life feels unfair sometimes. So many friends and family celebrated my recovery and cancer-free diagnosis in September, but I struggled with why I was spared or dealt with a relatively easy case of the disease when other friends or family members of friends were dying.

My energy is different. With all of the challenges of surgery, financial hurdles, and emotional drains, I was forced to slow way down. A year later, I can’t say I’m operating at 100% (in any of those areas), and that surprises me. But most days I respect where I am, and I can be at peace with the fact that my personal pace has changed.

Getting naked a year ago saved my life. In a month, I will celebrate my first anniversary of being cancer free, and my aunt who also had melanoma is celebrating 11 years of being cancer free. Through my circumstances and telling my story, several close friends have had pre-cancerous spots removed. I can’t tell you how happy that makes me. Suffering is not wasted.

Now it’s your turn. Be courageous. Love yourself. Love those that love you. Don’t wait. Go get naked.

For more information, visit the Melanoma Research Foundation.